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twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
