I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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