Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
