God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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