I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
