I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
