I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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