I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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