totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize