not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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