and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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