when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
