are you still at the devil's house?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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