i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
