I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
