She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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