I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize