he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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