I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
