His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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