we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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