He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
