I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
