doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
