Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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