You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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