I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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