i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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