I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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