proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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