thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Less talking, more tequila
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
