I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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