ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
