My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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