Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
