meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
