Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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