I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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