I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
