toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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