my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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