Someone shit on the floor
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
