I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
