I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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