I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
