I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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