Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
