I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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