The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
