Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
