I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
