o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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