i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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