I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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