It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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