Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
