You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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