nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize