i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
