Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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