I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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