I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
