I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
