I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
