At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
