Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
