Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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